Can you believe that we have been delivering timely, deeply researched, hour-long episodes to your inbox twice a month for a whole year? We’ve been blown away by the support and buzz surrounding the show—and we want to thank you for making it all possible as a paid subscriber.

In this first season, our scrappy, independent podcast has been sh…

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Today we’re digging into an age-old question along the lines of has feminism ruined the workplace? and has feminism pushed men into the manosphere? and did feminism get Trump elected?

We gathered a roundtable of people who are pro-marriage and anti-divorce who don’t believe women should have any rights. We’re calling this conversation, Did feminism ruin the family?

JK. More seriously, this episode asks whether feminists and progressives today are “anti-family.” We talk about the trap of that framing, and why being against the nuclear family is good, actually. We look at the origins of the nuclear family, and talk about how people today are panicking about the state of the family, while failing to propose any meaningful solutions for those who are most harmed by the nuclear unit—that is, women and children.

Looking at the political potential baked into more expansive notions of kinship, we also discuss alternative ways of viewing community, love, and connection, suggesting that, given all we know today about the dangers of the nuclear family, feminists who really care about care ought to think bigger.

This week, Tracy was joined by a special guest: , a feminist sex and dating coach, and author of the newly released book Sexual Pleasure for Dummies. It’s an inclusive, empathetic, and nuanced look at the role pleasure plays in our lives—and all the things that get in the way of it.

You might remember Myisha from the Dire Straights IRL event that we did last year around the biggest complaints in hetero life right now. This time, we’re focusing on pleasure.

Just a few topics we touched on:

• stress and caregiving getting in the way of pleasure

• why chore wheels show up in her coaching practice

• men who prefer that their partners fake orgasms

• avoiding the trap of pleasure becoming yet another form of work that women disproportionately do in hetero relationships

• how porn has changed over the past decade, including the new intimate horizons of OnlyFans

• what people are really looking for when they talk about “spontaneous” sex

• the lie of being “vanilla”

• kinky tradwives, milkmaid fantasies, and MAHA husbands drinking breastmilk

• men refusing to wear condoms

• people still not knowing about the clitoris!

• women’s sexual awakenings blowing up marriages

• using ChatGPT to decode a partner’s intentions, instead of just… asking them

This recording is a special extra for paid subscribers, who make this podcast possible. Free subscribers will find a preview above, but you’ll have to upgrade to watch the whole thing. We’re also officially offering these Lives on all podcasting platforms if you prefer just the audio.

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Tracy’s newest book, My Mother’s Daughter: Finding Myself in My Family’s Fractured Past, is out May 5th! It’s a memoir about how a DNA test connected Tracy with her sister Kathy, who her mom placed for adoption at a home for unwed mothers in the sixties. She set out to understand their mom’s past and stumbled on a bigger story about shame, family secrets, race, and the control of women’s bodies.

In this episode, we have a behind-the-scenes chat about her memoir, including the story of how Tracy decided to take that DNA test. We also get into the book’s critique of heterosexuality, the disturbing history of homes for unwed mothers, patriarchal trauma, the importance of untangling all that we inherit from our mothers, “spiritually flailing” in the writing process, and how Tracy’s feeling publishing such an honest feminist book in an era of backlash and hyper-masculine authoritarianism.

My Mother’s Daughter, BTW, has received starred reviews from both Booklist and Kirkus, which called it, “deeply researched and lyrically written,” “trenchant and moving,” and “a powerful rejection of white-male dominated systems of oppression.” The book has been described as “tender, revelatory, and deeply moving,” by one Amanda Montei. It’s also received glowing blurbs from , Irin Carmon, Peggy Orenstein, , , , , and Lenz.

And make sure to join Tracy at one of her upcoming IRL events:

May 5: Launch day at Mrs. Dalloway’s in Berkeley, California with Alexis Madrigal. Reserve a spot here.

May 7: Books Are Magic in Brooklyn, New York with Irin Carmon. Register here.

May 14: Green Apple Books in San Francisco, California with Savala Nolan. Register here.

May 15: Skylight Books in Los Angeles, California with Koa Beck. Register here.

It’s not just the manosphere, MAGA, TERFs, or reactionary feminists who are hating on “2010s feminism” right now. Increasingly, liberals and centrists are getting in on the action.

This growing feminist backlash claims that feminism has gone too far. That women have been made unhappy by progressive propaganda. That they’re being strong-armed into polyamory, casual sex, education, careerism, single-motherhood, and childlessness.

Meanwhile, as we discussed in a past episode, the Heritage Foundation is trying to use laws and public policy to strong-arm women into marriage, motherhood, and dependence on men. But never mind all that! The real threat, some say, is that feminists wrote some snarky blog posts in the 2010s.

Don’t worry, this episode does not rehash the Adult Braces discourse, but we do discuss how the Lindy West pile-on is part of a broader feminist backlash that has been brewing for many years—one that folks across the political spectrum are branding as a reasonable and empowering middle-ground for women.

The discourse is truly a mess out there, folks, but in this episode, we help you see the feminist forest for the trees. And while we’ve previously avoided confronting some of the more troubling arguments we’ve seen among liberal feminists—including, notably, on Substack—well, we’re over that. Behind the paywall, you’ll get our most candid thoughts on everything people are saying about feminism today.

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Remember the 90s? The Spice Girls were singing about girl power, and Britney Spears was asking someone to hit her one more time. Amanda was shopping at the Limited Too at the Sherman Oaks Galleria, while Tracy was sporting her Bebe shirt at a Bay Area mall, and possibly almost getting sex trafficked.

Behind the scenes, Les Wexner was cooking up the Victoria’s Secret Angels campaign, soon to be followed by the company’s teen PINK-stamped-butt line, while his buddy Jeffrey Epstein was allegedly posing as a VS scout to lure girls and women for abuse.

We know we’re not the only millennial women unpacking the now wide open secret of what 90s culture did to us. Bringing together everything we know now about the shitty men of that era, who taught us all to hypersexualize little girls and lingerie-clad angels, in this episode we look back on our 90s girlhoods at the mall and beyond. We discuss what we learned then about gender, sex, bodies, beauty, and relationships with men. And we talk through how we’re deconstructing the lasting effects of 90s mall culture today.

This episode is totally free, because we really want you to have it. But if you find this episode helps you to un-gaslight and free yourself even a little, please rate us on your podcast apps, share the episode in your group chats and on your socials, and join our Substack community as a paid subscriber. Paid subscriptions are the only reason we are able to make this show.

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The right-wing really wants women to need men.

Maybe you’ve heard: Earlier this year, The Heritage Foundation—the same ghouls who brought us Project 2025—released what they’re calling a blueprint for America’s next 250 years. It’s titled “Saving America by Saving the Family.”

Of course, this report isn’t about saving families. It’s 168 pages of policy recommendations that would strong-arm women into dependent relationships with men.

We dug into this report so you don’t have to, and we are here to tell you this plan is all part of a broader attempt by conservatives to coerce women into hetero marriage and motherhood, then to trap them there by eliminating no-fault divorce and social services for single women.

In this episode, we break the report down for you, and explore how it builds off the decades-long panic we’ve seen in the manosphere about women’s increasing freedom and independence and the broader right-wing fear of women’s ability to live—and thrive!—without a man.

Beyond the paywall, we also discuss our personal feelings around this pro-marriage propaganda. Amanda gets real about what divorce taught her about economic dependence on men. And Tracy gets into why this Heritage Foundation report made her think about her mom, who was sent away to a home for unwed mothers in the sixties—a story she covers in detail in her forthcoming book, My Mother’s Daughter, which is now available for preorder!

Speaking of independence, this is a paid episode. All subscribers can access a free preview, but if you want to hear the best and juiciest stuff, upgrade to a paid subscription. You’ll get everything that’s behind this paywall, and all other paywalled episodes, including those on porn, Epstein, marital sex, monogamy, divorce, and the dire state of dating today. You’ll also get access to guest conversations, subscriber chats, and more.

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Whether you believe all wine moms are members of ANTIFA or that they’re just apolitical white ladies with too much rosé all day, it’s irrefutable that drunk and high mommies have a long, loaded cultural and political history.

Centuries before mommy juice and Mom Water™, before the Bad Moms movies and the giant wine glass memes, moms were getting high to escape the crushing demands of marriage and motherhood. And we can’t really blame them?

In this episode, we go deep on inebriated moms, digging into both progressive and conservative characterizations of moms who get drunk and high, and we consider the wine mom’s political potential today.

What does the wine mom tell us about gender, power, and feminism? What does she tell us about individualism and collective belonging? And what has the absence of a social safety net taught these gritty moms about fighting authoritarianism?

Love them or hate them, drunk and high moms are one of the most important cultural figures for understanding the feminine paradox of agency and refusal under patriarchy. The conservatives who have come for this beloved figure should be shaking in their fascist boots.

So get cozy, grab your glass of wine—or your sparkling water if you are, like Amanda, a recovering wine mom. We are traveling through time to give you the definitive feminist history on the wine mom.

This is a totally free episode. Isn’t that nice? That said, we are a 100% reader supported podcast. We do this show because we think it’s urgent and important. But we have bills to pay. If you want access to extra episodes every month, including bonus episodes on the latest culture and politics, AND if you want to know that you are keeping us afloat, upgrade to a paid subscription.

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Show highlights…

2:40 Amanda was born for this episode.

5:30 When we talk about wine moms, we have to talk about patriarchal trauma. But in this episode, we do it in a fun way?

6:00 No moms were moralized in this episode.

8:30 Wine moms are key to understanding women’s agency under patriarchy.

9:30 To understand the wine mom herself, we have to go all the way back to the beginning, to the wandering womb.

11:00 Maenads drank and danced in the forest, which we’re into—to a point.

14:00 Queen Victoria was high all the time on all the drugs, and it seems not unrelated that she had nine kids.

15:00 Laudanum for depressed women, women who see ghosts, basically all the women.

17:15 Then the Victorians (and Freud) just gave everyone cocaine.

19:15 Men coercing women into drugging themselves, in another era of reasonable heteropessimism.

26:20 Working women drank; housewives took pills.

34:20 The OG wine mom was remarkably chill about her husband’s absence.

40:11 Tracy talks about her pre-pandemic writing on the wine mom.

42:02 Amanda talks about her pandemic writing on the wine mom.

46:22 We revisit the SNL wine moms skit.

49:55 Wine moms as a symbol of shared suffering and resistance—and a way for women to feel recognition and belonging through complaint.

53:20 No one asked for Mom Water.

56:55 The intersection between wine moms and the girl boss.

59:11 After the childcare crisis of the pandemic, the center of the wine mom could not hold.

1:00:00 We respond to the conservative demonization of so-called gangs of wine moms, and talk about what makes moms—whether they drink or not—so gritty today.

1:06:00 The paradox of the wine mom is the paradox of women’s agency under patriarchy.

We want to hear from you! Send us your pleas for advice and your stories at direstraightspod@gmail.com, or leave us a voice memo here. Please also tell us all your thoughts on the wine mom in the comments!

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We started with a debrief of last night’s State of the Union. If you didn’t watch: Congrats. Let us recap for you.

Just a few topics we touched on:

• Trump as Daddy Protector of Patriarchy (also: a leering creep)

• That bombshell NPR report on the DOJ withholding files re: allegations of Trump abusing a minor

• Why the U.S. men’s hockey team (and the entire Trump admin) needs a training in bystander intervention

• Kash Patel: frat-boy idiot

• Trump and Melania’s shitty marriage as a perfect reflection of the misogyny and control behind “family values”

• Everything the America’s Next Top Model documentary got wrong about consent and reporting on an alleged sexual assault

• Kid Rock and RFK Jr. chugging milk, doing pushups in a sauna, and wearing jeans in a cold plunge tub

• The anti-heterosexuality of the Olympics

• Scott Galloway being disgusted by the birth of his own child

• Love Is Blind fat-shaming and straight men’s “just being honest” rhetoric

This recording is a special extra for paid subscribers, who make this podcast possible. Free subscribers will find a preview above, but you’ll have to upgrade to watch the whole thing. We’re also officially offering these Lives on all podcasting platforms if you prefer just the audio.

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The adult industry has turned into a popular scapegoat for nearly every problem in hetero life and culture right now. Pornography is blamed for everything from the “male loneliness epidemic” to women’s heteropessimism.

Some of these arguments are coming from feminist-minded folks who are reckoning with the cultural influence of pornography. But there’s also a decidedly anti-feminist contingent that is focused on the idea of porn as a tool of men’s oppression.

These attitudes are even circulating within the manosphere and among right-wing pundits. Figures like Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, Tucker Carlson, and Theo Von have all joined the anti-porn chorus. Meanwhile, conservatives are attempting to ban porn while bowing at the feet of a president who paid hush-money to porn performer Stormy Daniels.

There are certainly valid critiques to be made of porn as an industry. In this episode, we separate the legitimate from the illegitimate, the feminist from the anti-feminist, and we highlight where critiques of porn are overly simplistic, shame-based, anti-sex work, or just doing patriarchy’s dirty work.

We also get into our personal histories with porn—from how Amanda felt as a teen and in her twenties watching boys and men get sucked into tube sites, to Tracy’s experience as a teenager using porn as a guidebook to hot sex. Tracy also shares some behind-the-scenes secrets from her years reporting on the industry as a journalist—including how they make fake cum shots.

And you’ll hear our uncensored thoughts about recent anti-porn arguments made by fellow feminists.

Show highlights…

02:58 Porn is a scapegoat for hetero problems right now…

03:43 … from jackhammering to low-effort men to women’s heteropessimism.

06:50 We will refrain from relitigating the feminist sex wars. For now.

08:11 Amanda reluctantly asks Tracy to explain “gooning.”

15:20 Tracy talks about reporting as a journalist on a porn set and having an eye-opening conversation with a performer that she had come of age watching.

17:33 We don’t just learn “sexual scripts” from porn. One of us learned as much about sex and gender roles from “The Real World: Seattle” as YouJ*zz.com.

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Today’s bonus episode was a cultural and political grab bag. Just a few topics we touched on:

• Tracy blaming dire straightness for her skateboarding-related concussion

• Chris Harrison’s new trad marriage dating show

• Epstein’s hand in the #MeToo backlash

• The files telling us what we already know re: the conspiracy of patriarchy

• Sexual violence isn’t just a problem of the global elite

• Clavicular: the manospherean looksmaxxer who took a hammer to his jaw

• The politics of the gaze and the normalization of the hetero pose

• Wuthering Heights lingerie

• Does Jacob Elordi have BDE… or “The Dick Doesn’t Even Matter” Energy?

This recording is a special extra for paid subscribers, who make this podcast possible. Free subscribers will find a preview above, but you’ll have to upgrade to watch the whole thing. We’re also officially offering these Lives on all podcasting platforms if you prefer just the audio.

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Perhaps you’ve heard, men will do literally anything to avoid going to therapy. They will eat raw liver, obsess about the Roman Empire, run American democracy into the ground, start their own paramilitary organization, design AI housebots, invent social media, start podcasts with their bros, open carry— anything other than Zoom for an hour with a mental health professional.

Meanwhile, men are—according to men—lonely, depressed, disempowered, and confused about what to do with themselves. Masculinity influencers and therapy-averse brocasters often insist that the key to men’s happiness is not therapy, but rather, wives, more economic power, and better definitions about what it takes to be a man.

We, however, are skeptical. So, we’re digging into why so many men are resistant to therapy, and why so many women are insistent that men go anyway. What does the “men and therapy” conversation tell us about heterosexual relationships? Is therapy really what men need? Or do they, actually, just need to listen to this podcast?

This is a free episode—but we believe it’s worth just as much as an hourly session with your therapist. If you love independent media that refuses to play to “both sides,” and will never, ever, host a town hall on whether feminism has failed women, upgrade to a paid subscription.

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You’ll get an additional, extra juicy episode every month, full access to past paywalled episodes on topics like couples therapy and conservative “sex positivity”, along with access to live conversations with us and cool guests, and all community features on our Substack page.

If monetary support really isn’t in the cards for you, please share this podcast on your social pages, in your group chats, and IRL—and leave us a 5-star review on your favorite podcasting platform. These little gestures really help us know you like what we do, and they spread the word.

Show highlights…

2:10 This episode is free but please upgrade your subscription if you want independent media to survive these fascist goons—and if $80 for a WHOLE YEAR of urgent feminist analysis and community is really not in the cards for you, please like and rate us on your podcasting platform.

2:51 The memes confirm it, men will do anything other than go to therapy.

7:18 Tracy defends LARPing, because it could be worse.

8:20 Men who start podcasts are the worst offenders here. To be clear, we have done more than enough therapy to host this podcast.

9:40 The guys who started the internet and all wars also need therapy.

10:10 Tracy finds hope at her local meditation class.

11:15 We’ve destigmatized therapy, but therapy bro summer has not yet become a thing.

12:00 We know why men don’t go to therapy, but don’t they, also?

15:15 It seems some men don’t realize that talking about feelings is fun?

16:26 Manchiiiiild.

17:26 Amanda tries to convince Tracy that The Bear is good and gets nowhere.

18:25 We agree that Carmy needs therapy—and that therapy was good for Bruce Springsteen.

19:47 Tracy spent her childhood psychoanalyzing Leonardo DiCaprio, like girls do.

22:20 Girl culture is not just emotional, but highly textual!!

23:50 Men will literally declare a male loneliness epidemic to avoid going to therapy.

28:24 Why do women care so much if men go to therapy? Maybe because this political moment is brought to you by men who won’t go to therapy?

34:22 Amanda goes on a little rant about the sexual division of labor.

36:54 The premise that anti-empathy folks rely on to make their dumb argument against caring about other people.

38:10 The point is always power.

40:20 Why do men see women who want their partners to go to therapy as nags hmmmmmm.

43:58 The individualism of therapy.

45:30 Amanda goes on a little Scott Galloway rant—and makes a radical argument about what men need even more than therapy.

51:00 Emotional curiosity for the win!

55:20 Tracy thinks most white guys actually need a therapy domme.

59:07 Women telling their partners they long for men to make a political commitment is scarier than…

1:04:00 …women mothering men.

1:05:10 Amanda makes Tracy play the “does this guy need therapy or a feminist book?” game.

1:12:50 Tracy makes an offer: if you upgrade to paid we might do an episode on JD Vance.

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We got into the hetero-politics of the Department of Homeland Security. Given that our podcast is all about deconstructing heteronormative culture and politics, and imagining new ways forward, we felt like it was pretty urgent times to do a bonus episode on the state-sponsored, hypermasculine violence we’re seeing across the country right now.

Just a few topics we touched on:

• the origins of ICE in this country’s long history of rationalizing white supremacy and male violence as a way to “protect” white women’s sexuality and “the family”

• the link between Nazi motherhood medals and The Heritage Foundation’s new report

• Alex Pretti as a foil to ICE masculinity

• Renee Good as a reflection of the hetero-politics of ICE

• the sentimental nuclear family as the marketing arm of authoritarianism

• DHS targeting young men who want to team up with their “boys” to fight the “bad guys”

• Greg Bovino’s stupid fucking Nazi coat

• Naomi Wolf being Naomi Wolf

• Why Minnesotans are winning (we should all be taking notes)

This recording is a special extra for paid subscribers, who make this podcast possible. Free subscribers will find a preview above, but you’ll have to upgrade to watch the whole thing. We’re also officially offering these Lives on all podcasting platforms if you prefer just the audio.

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Monogamy is essential to the culture of heterosexuality.

From its historical roots as a marital expectation for wives, but not husbands, to its current role in maintaining a society that runs on women’s unpaid labor, it’s clear that monogamy is a feminist problem. In this episode, we look at how monogamy fuels toxic romance myths about soul mates, isolates love and care within the nuclear family, and shrinks our social and political lives.

But the task of solving these problems is obviously much bigger than just opting into polyamory, so we’re also talking about what it might look like to be “anti-monogamy” in ways that actually have nothing to do with who, or how many people, you’re fucking.

This is a paywalled episode, which means free listeners will have to upgrade to hear us get very candid about our own experiences with monogamy—from the myths that we grew up with, to experiences with infidelity, to our current feelings about sexual exclusivity, as a married woman and a newly single woman. We’ve got some big, complex, and sometimes contradictory feelings on this topic.

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By upgrading now, you’ll also get access to all of our episodes, without any paywalls, as well as special bonus content and subscriber chats.

Paid subscribers, thanks so much for making this podcast possible.

Show highlights…

02:11 What is monogamy? Not as dumb of a question as it sounds!

04:24 Expectations of monogamy showed up in Ancient Rome. But only for wives.

05:46 It wasn’t until the 19th century that men were ALSO expected to be monogamous—after thousands of years of men being given the go ahead to fuck around while women were shamed and tortured for doing the same.

06:34 Monogamy became a working class aspiration, and a way for some to distance themselves from queer people and sex workers.

10:56 Compulsory monogamy! Let’s discuss.

12:24 Wildly racist and colonialist 20th century sexology tried to argue that monogamy as proof of European superiority.

13:49 Questionable theories abound about monogamy as “natural”!

14:57 Never trust a headline about “monogamous prairie voles.”

17:30 OK, but to play devil’s advocate: What’s so bad about monogamy? We have a LOT of answers.

21:07 One of the worst things, though: it privatizes love and care.

23:47 Monogamy culture is why men and women can’t be friends!

24:39 Are you “allowed” to be attracted to other people in a marriage?

25:35 We get personal and talk about the monogamy narratives that we grew up with as kids.

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We dug into HBO’s Heated Rivalry, the spicy gay hockey drama that everyone is talking about. Given that our podcast is all about critiquing hetero love, sex, politics, and culture, we obviously had to do a bonus episode on this viral phenomenon. Why do women like it? And might it have something to do with the current hetero-pessimistic moment?

Just a few topics discussed:

• butts

• cocks

• hockey goalie warm-ups in which they very much look like they are fucking the ice (also: fuck ICE)

• the show’s foley artists simulating blowjobs

• straight women co-opting gay culture

• the show’s lesbian viewership

• straight women watching gay porn

• the novelty of depicting mutual pleasure and sex as story

This recording is a special extra for paid subscribers, who make this podcast possible. Free subscribers will find a preview above, but you’ll have to upgrade to watch the whole thing. We’re also officially offering these Lives on all podcasting platforms if you prefer just the audio.

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We’re back from the flurry of the holidays and new year, and we’re digging into dating. Last month, we hosted our first-ever live recording of this podcast, and let’s just say we heard loud and clear that dating today… sucks.

People are burnt out on the apps, the gender divide is stark, and straight women’s attitudes toward partnership and marriage are shifting. Meanwhile, men are failing to put in the effort to meet the moment, leading many straight women to question whether dating men today is even worth it.

We know the dating scene is bleak. But in this episode we discuss what exactly is making dating so miserable today. How much of this is age-old stuff, the kind that won’t resolve itself until we confront the more systemic causes of gender inequality, and the effect that inequality is bound to have on hetero relationships? And how much of what we’re seeing today is caused by the digital world in which we all live, from the apps to social media to the increasing romanticization and sexualization of AI?

Show highlights…

2:50 The decline of romantic comedies is good, actually.

4:30 Because not all romance plots are created equal—nor are they predicated on equality!

5:50 Nobody Wants This—as in, nobody wants Dax Shepard.

9:16 Reddit users debate the death of dating.

14:50 Marital misery filters down to dating culture in the critique of women’s “high standards.”

18:48 Or is therapyspeak ruining dating?

24:39 In her dating era, not many dates were had, but Tracy chased men she wanted to be.

26:42 Amanda wanted to be wanted, not really be those guys.

28:10 The contradiction of wanting what men have and wanting the love story in which men protect women.

30:32 Tracy’s first real date.

33:34 Dating in marriage is definitely dead.

40:12 But there’s a reason why date nights matter so much to married women.

43:19 Low effort men boooo.

45:15 Are women fleeing relationships with men or trying to optimize dating?

47:12 The timeless moral panic over chivalry/benevolent sexism dying.

49:41 Everyone is burnt out on the apps, but are we really divesting from them?

54:20 And does just being on the apps shut down hot chance encounters with strangers?

56:30 Amanda discusses her own feelings about dating…

59:55 For all the married women who want to live variously through the single lady.

1:00:55 A public call for lover applications.

1:04:00 Strategies for dating with less misery, from dating without the goal of marriage to women filming themselves on dates, then posting it on social media.

1:09:50 Tracy is not a fan of cuddle parties and being touched by random strangers.

1:13:00 Should we get into matchmaking?

Stay in touch between episodes by following us on Instagram: @tracyclarkflory, @amontei, and @direstraightspod. You can also find Tracy and the pod on TikTok. And don’t forget to rate us.

In this episode, we ask an age-old question that somehow also feels very of the moment: Can married and unmarried women be friends?

More specifically, can married and divorced women be friends? What about married women and women who have no interest in marriage at all, like those who see marriage as a hetero-patriarchal institution that we might all do well to opt out of? What about single women who are opting out of dating, and those who are actively seeking a husband?

We’ve noticed a certain tension between women bubbling under the surface of many conversations about the state of feminism, the shifting sands of marriage and divorce, and the dating scene today. Many are asking if it’s embarrassing to have a boyfriend, or a husband, and even if it’s worth dating men at all.

In this episode, we dig into how changing attitudes toward heterosexuality are affecting relationships between women themselves. What goes unspoken between straight women, and how do these silences keep us trapped and resenting each other, rather than fighting the institutions that don’t have our best interest at heart? How do our individual choices reflect our politics, and how much pressure do we put on ourselves, and each other, to solve big political and cultural problems, in the absence of a strong feminist movement?

This is a paywalled episode, which means it’s the episode we put out every month that gets personal. In this one, we go deep on our own friendship, including what it’s like for a happily married woman and happily divorcing woman to build a business together, and we get real about the conflicts we have faced with other women, as both a married person and a woman removing herself from marriage.

Upgrade your subscription now to listen to the whole episode, and every episode thereafter. You’ll get access to special bonus content, our subscriber chat, and more. A subscription to this podcast also makes a great gift for the friends you’re trying to connect with more deeply.

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Show highlights…

0:32 We’ve noticed certain tensions in the air…

2:45 Straight women are questioning whether men and marriage are the goal, connecting the dots between politics and personal lives, even opting out of dating.

4:39 Amanda would really like to know what the husbands are doing.

5:00 But some married women are, apparently, still finding value and happiness in marriage, and so, have feelings.

5:30 Other married women are just trying to hold it together—and stay in unhappy marriages because culturally, we make it so hard to leave!

6:30 Meanwhile men are trying to make women feel like they are always asking for too much.

9:00 Rejecting marriage, however, can be about thinking bigger about love, not smaller.

13:00 Is Tracy embarrassed to be married? Can Taylor Swift make marriage liberal?

16:00 We unpack why nuclear family = bad.

19:25 And why trad life isn’t connection and care but rather antisocial.

20:25 Regular reminder: love and partnership don’t actually require a marriage contract.

25:30 What should women do when they realize marriage is bad news for women, but they still love their husbands?

27:50 Tracy admits, well, “you don’t really get to remake the institution.”

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If you’ve listened to our episode on holiday labor, you know that we both value well-considered and caring gifts. In this guide, you’ll find thoughtful, unique ideas for all the dire, and not-so-dire, friends and lovers in your life, from the husband who isn’t pulling his weight around the house, to your horny friend, to the man who wants to get more involved, to the mom doing all the shifts at home. We’ve also got gifts for your single friend struggling on the apps, and for your newly divorced pal.

And we have some fun anti-heteronormative suggestions for the kids of all genders in your life. Happy holidays!

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We are still flying high from recording the pod in front of a live in-person audience for the first time on Friday. It was a sold-out event at Local Economy here in Oakland, California. We got to chat with listeners, introduce new folks to the pod, and talk about the dire state of heterosexuality—IRL for a change.

We were joined by Savala Nolan, author of the forthcoming Good Woman, who read her killer essay about the many reasons women lie about a man being “good in bed.” Our special guest was Myisha Battle, a feminist sex and dating coach who is truly out there on the frontlines.

We handed out sticky notes and asked our audience members to answer questions about their biggest complaints around hetero life right now, as well as where they’re finding pleasure, despite it all.

We ended up in front of a colorful wall covered with stickies reading things like: “the apps,” “men,” “Peter Pan syndrome,” “blindsided by my divorce,” “imbalance in mental load,” and “struggling with needing to find a partner, mainly because the world seems like it’s built for couples and finances don’t really work out as a single person.”

On the pleasure front we got things like: “my vibrator,” “friends,” “cold solo morning walks,” “my husband enjoying being called a little bitch,” “imagining new forms of marriage (that are not polyamory),” and “Heated Rivalry” (we’ve been influenced and now we’re planning a little watch party for this steamy hockey drama; will report back).

Lots of folks emailed and DM-ed to say how bummed they were that they couldn’t get tickets to the event, but we’ve got the next best thing, which is the audio of our chat. We had a nice long conversation with Myisha about the themes we saw on those stickies, how they compare to what she sees in her work, and what kind of advice she gives to her clients. Then we fielded questions from the audience.

Sadly, we don’t have good audio of Savala’s reading, but seriously go read her essay. And thank you to for emceeing!

This recording is a special extra for paid subscribers, who make this podcast possible. Free subscribers will find a preview above, but you’ll have to upgrade to listen to the whole thing.

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You just survived Thanksgiving. You might now be surviving the onslaught of holiday commercials and Hallmark movies starring big-city career women who are reminded of the true meaning of Christmas after falling in love with a rugged small-town hunk in a plaid button-up.

Maybe you’re also cruising the sales, checking the Christmas lists, planning the next holiday dinner, and feeling a little overwhelmed. You might even be thinking, Hmm, this season has a certain dire straightness to it.

It’s time to talk about holiday labor and heterosexuality.

We all know that women tend to do a disproportionate amount of work at this time of year. In this episode, we break down the gendering of holiday labor, from cooking to gift-giving, and question the myths the holiday season serves.

We look at how traditions like Santa Claus erase women’s unpaid labor and romanticize women’s self-sacrifice and domestic exploitation, and how the holidays ask us all to rely on a fantasy of marriage and the nuclear family as the source of love, care, and security.

We are not total feminist Scrooges, though. We also look back on our most nostalgic childhood memories of holiday “magic,” discuss the overlooked importance of holiday labor and “kinkeeping,” and consider what it would look like to reimagine the holidays as something other than an advertisement for heterosexuality.

Show highlights…

01:26 We actually love the holidays.

03:01 But all year long, women spend twice as much time on childcare and housework as men.

04:15 In other words, shit is already bad… and then the holidays show up.

06:50 We talk warm, fuzzy memories—family skits, baked goods, Christmas houses, all of it!

15:53 And then we reconsider what was really happening behind the scenes. It’s kinda heavy! As in, Tracy only really saw her mom’s invisible labor after she died.

26:46 Amanda loves Christmas aesthetics.

28:23 But Christmas decorating stresses Tracy out! Too much red! Not enough neutrals!

31:41 Tracy feels like she should probably learn to cook already; Amanda thinks she’s fine.

32:28 On Christmas morning, Amanda bakes cinnamon buns FROM SCRATCH.

35:36 Elf on the Shelf! A polarizing topic.

40:19 The joys—and tyranny—of family holiday cards.

45:41 Studies, as usual, show what we already know and what women have been saying: women are more engaged with Christmas shopping than men.

53:11 We’re both skeptical about how our desire for love, connection, and strong social ties is exploited by the market at this time of year. But also! Gift-giving can be an act of empathy and care.

57:16 Moms have to fill their own Christmas stockings.

59:12 Maybe the “male loneliness epidemic” has a lil’ something to do with the lack of “kin-keeping” work men do around the holidays.

1:00:32 Tracy is definitely on Santa’s naughty list this year. She calls him the biggest eraser of women’s labor. Women are the real Santa Claus!

1:01:22 It’s all perfectly reminiscent of the usual heteronormative family dynamic where the dad gets credit for the mom’s work.

1:02:37 Don't worry, we let our kids believe.

1:06:38 A fun little tale about a dad who took responsibility for wrapping presents one year—and ended up wrapping them in paper bags and painter’s tape because he forgot to get wrapping paper.

1:10:50 The myth of women having standards that are too high persists.

1:11:08 Clearly, women were born with the ability to wrap presents.

1:13:43 Christmas is the marketing arm of heterosexuality!

1:16:01 Amanda refreshes Tracy on the plot of Love Actually.

1:20:23 Amanda is having her first holiday season post-divorce.

1:24:13 We talk about the “beautiful ache” of the holidays, and how they always seem to disappoint.

1:25:45 Hot takes on holidays songs: Mariah is not decentering men, and we’ve got a few ideas about why mommy is “kissing Santa Claus.”

1:29:48 What might it look like to reinvent holiday traditions so they aren’t a sales pitch for hetero marriage and nuclear family isolation?

1:36:11 As promised, a link to donate to the Alameda County Food Bank, which is local to us. You can find your local food bank here.

Stay in touch by following us on Instagram: @tracyclarkflory, @amontei, and @direstraightspod. You can also find Tracy and the pod on TikTok. And don’t forget to rate us.

A paid subscription to our pod is a perfect holiday gift for a friend or loved one in the trenches of heterosexuality. Just hit the link below, then tap “gift.” Or grab one for yourself! Either way, it’s a gift to us—the only one we want this holiday season, really.

Give the gift of us