In this episode, we’re talking about men who call their exes “crazy,” don’t text back, refer to women as “females,” and listen to Joe Rogan.
In other words, we’re talking about “red flags.”
Maybe you’ve seen a viral video of a woman listing off warning signs that a man is no good. Maybe you’ve seen that guy on TikTok who re-posts videos of straight people behaving badly and then runs around waving an oversized red flag to pass judgment on their dysfunction. Or maybe you’ve just listened to a friend talk about a guy canceling a date at the last minute and found yourself saying, “That’s a red flag.”
Red flags can guard against heartbreak or abuse, but they’ve also become a meme targeting everything from pizza choice to misogyny. We look at this viral discourse as a window into women’s greatest fears and hopes around hetero relationships.
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Show highlights…
02:04 What is a red flag, exactly?
03:00 Amanda dated a guy who made fun of her hair
03:56 Tracy dated a guy with an “I’m sorry” tattoo
05:34 Amanda’s red flag was drunk dialing
08:04 Tracy’s red flag was writing about her sex life on the internet (also: hanging a weird Diane Arbus print above her bed)
10:31 The viral Tea app was supposed to help women avoid dating “red flag” men—and then some “red flag” men hacked the app
15:09 The red flag has its origin in war and now it’s being used on “the battlefield of love”
17:22 The term took off in self-help books in the 80s as a way for women to try to identify misogynistic and abusive men
21:15 Our “old friend” John Gottman makes a killing off red flags that could spell the “apocalypse” of divorce
26:09 Now that it’s a viral meme, the meaning of a “red flag” has shifted
27:19 Like the “ick,” red flags point toward the cognitive dissonance of hetero relationships
28.58 The racist and classist assumptions behind “icks”
33:15 The most popular red flag themes are… [drum roll] listen to find out
38:52 Men listen to this podcast and like it! Green flags for them!
39:41 The bar is so low
41:28 What about men who are great to start and then… you get married and have kids
46:24 Women share signs a man is red-pilled
49:33 Is “simp” the new “pussy-whipped”?
53:39 Does red flag culture give a false sense of security?
56:43 The absurdist comedy of red flag videos on TikTok
58:54 Maybe red flag lists help enshrine certain behaviors as troublesome
59:00 Fighting words over pineapple pizza
01:11:43 Are we witnessing the enshittification of a useful concept?
01:01:29 Why do we love red flags right now? Is it #MeToo? Swipe-based dating?
01:06:05 How many red flags are about trying to avoid vulnerability and heartbreak?
01:07:41 What’s this have to do with divorce stigma?
01:11:32 “You don’t see something as a red flag when it’s been normalized for you.”
01:14:23 Red flags are about making a “bet” on lifelong monogamy
01:20:19 Paying for this podcast is a big green flag— put that on your dating profile
