Can I make a plea on behalf of therapists everywhere to all the listeners? Please stop trying to get reluctant men to go to therapy. These guys used to show up in my office occasionally (now I screen them out). They didn't want to be there. They were only there because a woman in their life gave them an ultimatum. They often showed up with a list she had written of things she wanted him to work on. Sometimes she came to the first session to tell me what she wanted him to change. These guys have no intrinsic motivation to change and they don't meaningful engage in treatment. It was a waste of my time and theirs, and hers as well. If you have to give someone an ultimatum to get them to go to therapy, you're honestly better off just ending the relationship. I can't change these guys and make them better. People have to have their own motivation to go to therapy or it doesn't work.
Often the man's wife or mother made the appointment for them. Now when I get a call from a woman trying to schedule a therapy appointment for a man, I tell her that he needs to call before I will schedule the appointment. Those men never call. It's an efficient way of screening them out. If he won't even take the initiative to schedule an appointment, he's not going to do the work in therapy.
Super pumped for your forthcoming divorce episode and further deep dives into this idea of heteroexceptionalism. I hope this isn’t getting too personal but my soon to be ex husband used to organize for reproductive rights and completely blindsided me by initiating a divorce a few months ago with no warning and zero interest in counseling (I also enjoyed your couples therapy episode!). I and everyone in our community completely bought into his image as one of the good guys. Discovering the post about heteroexceptionalism really helped me describe the absolute mindfuck of this experience because I really assumed I had “one of the good ones” and we were a team effort against rising fascism and patriarchy. I have long wrestled with misandry and this divorce is reactivating those tendencies and I would love to hear a deeper dive into misandry and its range from a political stance to a family tradition (my grandmother also low key couldn’t stand men) to a trauma response.
You might also appreciate this book, which I just started. It opens discussing how much romantic and love-related pain exists in social justice movements and among activists—but it’s a guide really for loving with more care and intention, and bringing our politics into the personal realm.
Oh man, that is a great idea for an episode. Also, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Hopefully some of our eps will be of use along your journey. I think you will get a lot from our divorce episode—just a couple weeks away!
Can I make a plea on behalf of therapists everywhere to all the listeners? Please stop trying to get reluctant men to go to therapy. These guys used to show up in my office occasionally (now I screen them out). They didn't want to be there. They were only there because a woman in their life gave them an ultimatum. They often showed up with a list she had written of things she wanted him to work on. Sometimes she came to the first session to tell me what she wanted him to change. These guys have no intrinsic motivation to change and they don't meaningful engage in treatment. It was a waste of my time and theirs, and hers as well. If you have to give someone an ultimatum to get them to go to therapy, you're honestly better off just ending the relationship. I can't change these guys and make them better. People have to have their own motivation to go to therapy or it doesn't work.
Oh my, the stories you must have. That is fascinating and makes total sense.
Often the man's wife or mother made the appointment for them. Now when I get a call from a woman trying to schedule a therapy appointment for a man, I tell her that he needs to call before I will schedule the appointment. Those men never call. It's an efficient way of screening them out. If he won't even take the initiative to schedule an appointment, he's not going to do the work in therapy.
Super pumped for your forthcoming divorce episode and further deep dives into this idea of heteroexceptionalism. I hope this isn’t getting too personal but my soon to be ex husband used to organize for reproductive rights and completely blindsided me by initiating a divorce a few months ago with no warning and zero interest in counseling (I also enjoyed your couples therapy episode!). I and everyone in our community completely bought into his image as one of the good guys. Discovering the post about heteroexceptionalism really helped me describe the absolute mindfuck of this experience because I really assumed I had “one of the good ones” and we were a team effort against rising fascism and patriarchy. I have long wrestled with misandry and this divorce is reactivating those tendencies and I would love to hear a deeper dive into misandry and its range from a political stance to a family tradition (my grandmother also low key couldn’t stand men) to a trauma response.
You might also appreciate this book, which I just started. It opens discussing how much romantic and love-related pain exists in social justice movements and among activists—but it’s a guide really for loving with more care and intention, and bringing our politics into the personal realm.
https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/dean-spade/love-in-a-fcked-up-world/9781643756462/
Yessss I started reading this a couple weeks ago!!
Ah it’s so good!
Oh man, that is a great idea for an episode. Also, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Hopefully some of our eps will be of use along your journey. I think you will get a lot from our divorce episode—just a couple weeks away!
I’ve listened to all of them! Hands down your podcast is absolutely part of my current survival kit, keep doing what you’re doing!!!
Zawn Villines did this episode about misandry a couple of weeks ago. I think it will help you feel better. https://open.substack.com/pub/zawn/p/does-zawn-hate-men-the-myth-of-misandry?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=pqo5y
Oh gosh I love this episode idea, so much to explore! And yes so sorry you’re going through this, but honored to be in your survival kit!